对于留子来说，提起“文书”两个字，就让他们闻风丧胆，苦不堪言！文书不论是美本还是美本转学的学生来说，都是一大“难题”，可以说是天下苦文书久已！
老师最近在国外Reddit论坛闲逛的时候，偶然发现一个帖子。
贴主问见过最糟糕/最尴尬的文书是什么样子的。下面的回复均来自招生官或之前和招生官有过交集的人，老师粗略看了眼，里面的文书内容应该算是五花八门，各有各的差，还差的千奇百怪。
今天我们就来总结一下招生官们曾经看过的最差劲/最尴尬的文书，到底是怎么写的。
不想来，别录取我型
I remember an applicant who wrote at length about how she panics under pressure, lacks leadership skills and can't stand hospitals. It was a medical school application. I called her to make sure we weren't getting trolled. 10 seconds into the call she began panicking and said she doesn't do well with stressful phone calls and hung up. I called later to check up and she seemed to have recovered. No interview for her though.
我记得有一位申请人写了很长的一段话，说她压力大容易惊慌失措，缺乏领导能力，而且无法忍受医院。但那是一份医学院的申请。我给她打了个电话，想确认一下我们是不是被坑了。通话才十秒，她就开始慌了，说她不擅长接压力大的电话，然后挂断了电话。后来我打电话过去确认了一下，她似乎已经恢复了。不过她没有参加面试。
I have a friend who reads these. Her favourite was someone who's entire essay was "please don't accept me I don't want to go here, my dad forced me to apply. I want to go to art school".
我有个朋友读过这类文章。她最喜欢的是那种整篇文章都是“请不要录取我，我不想去这里，我爸逼着我申请的。我想去艺术学校。”
不知道在写什么型
In graduate admissions. Read one essay that was essentially a love letter to the faculty superstar that the student wanted to work with. By the end of it I knew nothing about the actual student. What makes it cringy though is that the faculty member had never heard of her, she didn't make contact with him before applying and her entire essay was information off his website. Also cringy, his lab is full so he doesn't take new students.
在研究生招生方面。我读过一篇论文，本质上是一封学生写给想与之共事的超级明星教授的情书。读完之后，我对这位学生本人一无所知。然而，令人尴尬的是，这位教授从未听说过她，她在申请之前也没有联系过他，而且她的整篇文章都是从他网站上获取的信息。同样令人尴尬的是，他的实验室已经满了，所以不招收新生。
I have a student from Nigeria who has a decent grasp of the English language but doesn't really understand the generic platitudes that are expected in admissions essays. His first paragraph described how he is very similar to his father and they like the same things. They both like the same music, they like looking at the stars, and they both really like boiled yams. He then proceeds to go into how his mother would prepare them and what other foods they would eat with them. For reference, this is a masters program in computer science so none of this is relevant. If it was some stuck up kid I might let him crash and burn, but he was really nice and genuine so I gave him a nice 'push' on what subjects he should cover.
我有个尼日利亚的学生，英语还行，但不太理解申请文书里那些老掉牙的陈词滥调。他第一段就描述了他和父亲有多像，他们喜欢的东西都一样。他们都喜欢同样的音乐，都喜欢看星星，都特别喜欢煮山药。然后他就开始讲他妈妈会怎么做山药，以及他们会搭配什么其他食物。顺便说一下，这是一个计算机科学的硕士项目，所以上面他说的那些内容根本没有用。如果是哪个自命不凡的孩子，我可能会让他一败涂地，但他人真的很好，也很真诚，所以我就好好地“督促”了他，让他了解一下应该学习哪些科目。
Not an admissions officer, but a college essay proofreader.
I had a student who wrote a page worth of complete metaphorical bullshit that I could make zero sense of. He talked about how his fedora was his most prized possession.
The best sentence, however, was something along these lines:
"I delight in pondering life's endless choices, such as whether to indulge in extra guac: Is my palette worthy enough of the delicate mingling of avocado and coriander?"
Had another essay where the student wrote about how adventurous she was, using the time she lit her kitchen on fire as a supporting detail.
No. Just... no.
不是招生官，而是大学论文校对员。
我有个学生写了一页纸，全是些比喻性的废话，我完全听不懂。他说他的软呢帽是他最珍贵的财产。
然而，整篇文章里最好的句子是这样的：
“我喜欢思考生活中无尽的选择，比如是否要多吃鳄梨酱：我的味蕾是否足以品尝鳄梨和香菜的精致混合？”
在另一篇文章中，学生描述了她是多么具有冒险精神，并用她点燃厨房的经历作为佐证细节。
别这么做。
傲慢型
A student began his essay bragging that he was "king" of his school. He was a linebacker, captain of the lacrosse team, and had been with "four older, attractive girls in the last 6 months." He was attempting to contextualize himself as a dude bro to juxtapose his discovered love of poetry, but only provided the committee with a laughs and eye rolls.
一名学生在作文开头吹嘘自己是学校的“王者”。他是一名后卫，长曲棍球队的队长，并且“在过去六个月里和四个年纪更大、更漂亮的女孩交往过”。他试图把自己描述成一个“兄弟”，以此来衬托他所发现的对诗歌的热爱，但最终却只引得评委们哈哈大笑，翻了个白眼。
"The hardest thing I have ever done in my life is play lacrosse".
“我这辈子做过的最难的事就是打长曲棍球。”
I am not an admission officer, but my uncle let me read one of his admission essays that did NOT get him into the University of his choice. He did end up going to a good school and has a PhD, but his admission essay was so cringy.
Basically, he went on and on about how much of a good white boy he was, and how big of a shame it is that affirmative action and liberal schools are so desperate for minorities and completely forget about all the good old white boys like him, who actually earned their place by working hard.
It was so fucking awkward and he was so proud of it.
I guess we all have "that uncle."
我不是招生官，但我叔叔让我读了他的一篇入学申请论文，这篇论文没能让他进入理想的大学。他最终考上了一所好学校，还拿到了博士学位，但他的入学申请论文写得真难看。
基本上，他不断地谈论自己是多么优秀的白人男孩，以及平权行动和自由学校如此渴望少数族裔，而完全忘记了像他一样通过努力学习赢得一席之地的优秀白人男孩，这是多么令人遗憾。
这真是太尴尬了，但他却为此感到非常自豪。
我想我们每个人都有“那个叔叔”。
完美错过梦校型
I read an essay about how a girl had an abortion at age thirteen. She was applying to a Catholic college.
我读到一篇关于一个女孩在十三岁时堕胎的文章。她当时正在申请一所天主教大学。
Not an admissions officer, but I help someone my high school kids with their essays from time to time.
Last year I had a boy write an essay about how being white benefited his life. I think it was meant to be sarcastic, or something, I don't know. But he thought that talking about a hot button issue was a sure way to get him in.
The only problem was that he was applying to Yale. Safe-Space-Fire-People-Who-Disagree-With-You Yale. I told him it was not going to go over well and that entrance essays are not really a time to be experimental in writing.
He refused and submitted it anyway. Needless to say, he did not get into Yale.
我并不是一名招生官，但我时不时会帮我的高中学生写论文。
去年我让一个男孩写了一篇关于白人身份如何让他受益的文章。我当时的意图是想让他通过白人身份讽刺些什么。但他却认为谈论一个热点问题肯定能让他录取。
当然这不是错，但唯一的问题是他申请的是耶鲁。耶鲁，一个“安全空间”，一个“解雇那些与你意见相左的人”。我告诉他，申请肯定不会顺利，而且入学论文写作真的不适合尝试新东西。
他拒绝了，还是提交了申请。不用说，他没能考上耶鲁大学。
One admission officer told me about when he did admissions for UCLA and read one that was written well. But he ended it saying that he always wanted to go to USC. He wrote it for both schools but forgot to change the ending.
一位招生官告诉我，他为加州大学洛杉矶分校（UCLA）招生时，读到过一篇写得很好的文章。但结尾却说他一直想去南加州大学。
废话太多型
My dad reviews college admissions for a certain not really well known college (in the middle of Buttfuck Nowhere, Wisconsin) when he can volunteer.
The prompt was of course the stereotypical, "What's an important thing in your life" or whatever. Y'know, the "big event" in your life.
The kid wrote that he had Aspergers, and thus had "superior intelligence to all of the other normals" (A quote from the essay). Kept on writing on and on and on about how he's superior, and how people just dont "understand him". I didn't get to read the whole thing before he threw it away, but it just went on and on. The word limit was like 500 words? He extended it to around 2,000. Gotta give him credit for going the extra mile I guess.
当我爸爸有空的时候，他会去威斯康星州 Buttfuck Nowhere 市中心某所不太知名的大学审查招生工作。
题目当然是老套的，“你生命中最重要的事是什么？”之类的。就是你生命中的“大事”。
这孩子写道，他患有阿斯伯格综合症，因此“智力高于其他所有正常人”（引自文章）。他滔滔不绝地写着自己如何高人一等，以及人们如何“不理解他”。我还没来得及看完，他就把文章扔掉了。字数限制是500字？他把它写到了2000字左右。他真是够拼的。
抽象型
He translated his essay into binary by hand.
他将自己的文章手译成二进制。
When I worked in admissions, I read all of the school's applications from Chinese students, so many of the essays were poorly translated from English. The most memorable one was when the applicant wrote about taking care of her grandfather and how she had to give him baths:
"I like to rub his wrinkly skin back and forth and wash his floppy crotch."
I will never forget "floppy crotch" for as long as I live.
在招生办工作期间，我审阅了学校所有中国学生的申请，很多文书都是从英文翻译过来的，翻译得很糟糕。最让我难忘的一篇是，一位申请者写了她如何照顾祖父，以及她如何给他洗澡：
“我喜欢来回揉搓他皱巴巴的皮肤，清洗他松软的裤裆。”
只要我还活着，我就永远不会忘记“松垮的裤裆”。
"I always get a sense of calm and serenity while I am in my happy place. Surrounded by the clean white fixtures. Relishing in the delicious scents that flood my palate. Feeling emptied as a slowly clench my rectal muscles to release feces"
“当我身处快乐的地方时，我总是感到平静安宁。周围是洁白的灯具，我享受着充满味蕾的芬芳。随着直肠肌肉慢慢收缩，粪便排出，我感觉自己被排空了。”
I got an admissions package with essay written with red crayon. It was well-written, but red crayon? Seriously?
我收到一份入学申请材料，里面的作文是用红色蜡笔写的。写得挺好，但用的是红色蜡笔？真的吗？
I wrote my college essay with the prompt "why do you want to move to Virginia?", with my thesis statement being that I needed to catch all 151 pokemon and Snorlax was residing in Virginia.
我写大学申请文书的时候就用了“你为什么想搬到弗吉尼亚去？”这个题目，我的论点是我需要抓到全部151只宝可梦，而卡比兽就住在弗吉尼亚。
实实在在糟糕型
I worked in writing centers for several years and we helped people write these essays. Somebody came in with a med school essay about how she wanted to become a doctor to offer her family free surgery, so when I asked her about it and if she knew much about medical ethics, she said she thought operating on family members--esp. plastic surgery--would be just fine. I also asked her if she knew about the Hippocratic Oath and she had never heard of it.
我在写作中心工作了几年，有的时候我们会帮人写这些文章。有一次有人来写一篇医学院的论文，说她想成为一名医生，为家人提供免费手术。当我问她想做什么，以及她是否了解医学伦理时，她说她认为给家人做手术——尤其是整形手术应该没问题。我还问她是否知道希波克拉底誓言，她说她从未听说过。
Not an admission officer, but I work at a high school where I help students with college applications. This one kid wrote this "honest" essay where he rambled incoherently about how he wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, or finance person, because "let's be honest, I just want to make money." I paraphrased, but captured the grace and charm of his response. He really thought he was being clever, too.
我不是招生官，但在一所高中工作，负责帮助学生申请大学。有个孩子写了一篇“诚实”的文章，语无伦次地胡言乱语，说他想成为医生、律师或金融家，但又说“说实话，我只想赚钱”。我转述了他的原话，但抓住了他回答的优雅和魅力。他真的也觉得自己很聪明。
I graded scholarship essays for a national research foundation for a few years. Some of them were good, some were hilariously bad. Things that stick out that I can remember:
Someone who was obviously trying to impress us by quoting Shakespeare...except that they spelled "Shakespeare" wrong.
The many essays I saw where someone's long-term goal was to be a doctor in a medically underserved area. (Unless you are already in medical school, do not do this. We'll know you're bullshitting us, and you're not going to get the scholarship if you do that).
The HS senior who was taking a bunch of AP courses and went into detail trying to convince us that they knew what they were getting into in their college and finally med school aspirations. Again, bullshit.
我为一个国家研究基金会批改奖学金论文有几年了。有些论文写得不错，有些则烂得可笑。以下是一些我印象深刻的：
有人显然试图通过引用莎士比亚来给我们留下深刻印象……但他们把“莎士比亚”拼错了。
我看到很多申请文书里，有人的长期目标是在医疗资源匮乏的地区当一名医生。（除非你已经在医学院了，否则千万别这么做。我们知道你在骗我们，如果你这么做，你肯定拿不到奖学金。）
那个高中生选修了一堆AP课程，他详细地向我们解释，他们知道自己大学里会遇到什么，以及最终考上医学院的愿望。又是一派胡言。
