雅思写作6.5到7分的痛点:观点的论证展开!

雅思写作虽说由4个评分项决定,但之前文章中就说过,不论是从官方的反馈还是攀哥我自己10多年的教学经验来看,TR(Task Response)是考生失分最多的点。

以7分段为例,TR主要包含三个方面:

1. addresses all parts of the task

2. presents a clear position throughout the response 

3. presents, extends and supports main ideas

3个细则中,以第三点中的 extends and supports main ideas最难,这也是大多数6/6.5分考生无法上7的最大原因。

高分的文章需要对观点进行充分的论证展开(well-developed),什么是well-developed? 严格来说论证是否充分是比较主观的,偏向个人的理解。但是雅思考试作为标准化测试,必须给出一些客观的准则,以保证可操作性和打分的可重复性。‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍

今天以剑17和剑15的两个题目为例为大家谈谈两个准则(只谈两个):

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or negative development. (C17, Band 6, 反面例子)

提示:西方人认为西医才是正统的医学方法,其他的方法比如草药,针灸,推拿等等都属于替代性疗法(alternative medicines and treatments)。‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍

In some countries, owing a home rather than renting one is very important for people. Why might this be the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative situation.C15, Band 7, 正面例子)

准则一:论证要符合逻辑

听起来感觉像废话,但做到还真不容易。

剑17的6分文章有一个观点是论述alternative medicines的缺点:The first disadvantage of alternative medicines is that nobody knows how this treatment affect a person’s health. There are cases when using different herbals caused allergic reaction and some people died.

考生的观点是没有人知道这种治疗的效果,后面的解释是有一些人出现了过敏反应和死亡。这里的问题是,难道usual doctor所代表的传统医学(西医)就不会出现过敏和死亡吗?当然不是。这个论证不具有唯一性或独特性,所以并不合理。我觉得好的论证可以是下面这样。

The first disadvantage of alternative medicines is that nobody knows how this treatment affect a person’s health. Most alternative treatments are backed not by scientific evidence but by the experience of practitioners. Therefore, treatments are not subject to the same standards of safety and efficacy, so the results may not be as reliable as those from traditional medicines.

接下来有一个观点论述alternative medicines的优点:

One advantage is that alternative medicines are usually much cheaper than usual treatment as you do not have to go to a pharmacy and buy expensive drugs.

当我看到便宜的时候我是有疑问的。去年我家老大得了鼻炎,采用了西医和推拿(替代性疗法)治疗,推拿可并不便宜!当然,如果考生能进行合理的论证展开说服我也行,但是后面说便宜的原因是因为不用买昂贵的药。这个就显得考虑不周了,在替代性疗法中(比如推拿,气功等),治疗本身可是要花钱的。

接下来是另一个关于alternative medicine优点的论述:‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍

Alternative medicines do not cause environmental problems such as air pollution or gas waste. Many pharmaceutical plants use chemicals which have harmful effects on the environment.

考生给出观点alternative medicines不造成环境问题。后面的解释是制药厂(这里指西医)要用伤害环境的化学物质。又是严重的逻辑问题。这里是要论述A的好,而同学写的B的不好。B不好怎么就能证明A好呢?比如我让同学证明某老师很帅,他说因为攀老师很丑。

正确的论证应该是直接论述A,如下面这样:‍‍‍‍‍‍

Alternative medicines may be more environmentally friendly. This is because some herbal remedies and dietary supplements may be made from natural ingredients and may not require as much processing as traditional medicines. Additionally, some alternative therapies, such as acupuncture or massage therapy, may not require the use of any medications at all.

在雅思写作团教学中,我一直强调雅思不是逻辑能力测试,它不要专业,但是合理是必须的。‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍

准则二:充分的论证需要有细节‍‍‍‍‍‍

这里有一个重要的概念:细节思维。这里不展开讲这个知识,给大家提一个重要的小技巧:多写并列结构。无论是道理论证,还是举例论证,多写并列结构‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍

比如剑15的7分文章,考生写租房会有各种各样的stressors, 至少写两个stressor.‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍

If you are renting an apartment, there might be a lot of stressors in your life. A scratched wall can cause you a major headache, because the wall was not yours (第一个). The bedroom you are currently sleeping in might not be available as long as you hope, things happen in life and maybe the next landlord won’t want to have you as a tenant  (第二个).

又比如考生讲租房的一个优点,经济上是一个relief.‍‍‍‍‍‍

In other perspective, not owning your home could be a relief when it comes to your finance. (1) As a renter your won’t have to pay mortgage, take loans or spend an awful lot of money on buying the property. (2)You wouldn’t have to worry about the house market crashing or a natural disaster destroying your expensive home. 1和 2两句构成并列结构,每一个句子内部又有多个小的并列结构。‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍

刚刚给大家看的对考生文章的改进, 我自己在写的时候也用了大量的并列结构来增加内容的丰富程度。‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍Alternative medicines may be more environmentally friendly. (1)This is because some herbal remedies and dietary supplements may be made from natural ingredients and may not require as much processing as traditional medicines. (2) Additionally, some alternative therapies, such as acupuncture or massage therapy, may not require the use of any medications at all.

请记住:并列结构是提升文章内容丰富度的重要方法。

观的点论证和展开,其实还有更多的准则,但这部分属于雅思写作团和冲刺班课程的核心内容,就不在此公众号做更多公开分享了,祝好!

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