2023年度哈佛大学的优秀申请文书点评(四)

每年,在申请季结束后,机构都会搜集一些优质文书进行分享。今年我们又选取了一些被顶级名校录取的文书,供大家参考学习。

我们可以在这些文书中,感受到学生们对于生活的敏感,深刻的洞察力和有意思的古怪想法。

哈佛大学近日公布了2023年度10篇成功申请哈佛大学的文书并给出了点评。本次入选文书主题多样,文章风格各异,为各大准留学生提供了一个很好的参考。

今天我们来点评其中的第四篇文书!希望大家可以通过这篇文书的评析,领悟一些文书写作的技巧!

命题文书鉴赏

文书作者

Michelle G.

《我的爷爷》

Red, orange, purple, gold...I was caught in a riot of shifting colors. I pranced up and down the hill, my palms extended to the moving collage of butterflies that surrounded me. “Would you like to learn how to catch one?” Grandfather asked, holding out a glass jar. “Yes!” I cheered, his huge calloused fingers closing my chubby five-year-old hands around it carefully.

红色、橙色、紫色、金色......我陷入了五光十色的变幻之中。我在山坡上蹦蹦跳跳,手掌伸向围绕在我周围的蝴蝶拼贴画。这时候,祖父突然伸出一个玻璃瓶问道:“你想学习如何捕捉蝴蝶吗?”我欢呼着回答说:“好啊!” 接着,他那长满老茧的大手小心翼翼地将我那五岁胖乎乎的小手合拢。

Grandfather put his finger to his lips, and I obliged as I watched him deftly maneuver his net. He caught one marvelous butterfly perched on a flower, and I clutched the open jar in anticipation as he slid the butterfly inside. It quivered and fell to the bottom of the jar, and I gasped. It struggled until its wings, ablaze in a glory of orange and red, quivered to a stop. I watched, wide-eyed, as it stopped moving. “Grandpa! What’s happening?”

接着,外公把手指放在嘴唇上“嘘声”。我一边看着他灵巧地操纵着渔网,一边答应着。随后,他抓住了一只栖息在花朵上的奇妙蝴蝶,我紧紧抓住打开的瓶子,期待着他把蝴蝶放进去。看着蝴蝶颤抖着落到瓶底,我开心地惊呼了起来。它一直在挣扎,直到它的翅膀闪耀着橙红色的光芒,颤抖着停了下来。我睁大眼睛看着它一动不动了。“爷爷!发生什么事了?"

My grandfather had always had a collection of butterflies, but that was the first time I saw him catch one. After witnessing the first butterfly die, I begged him to keep them alive; I even secretly let some of them go. Therefore, to compromise, he began carrying a special jar for the days I accompanied him on his outings, a jar to keep the living butterflies. But the creatures we caught always weakened and died after a few days in captivity, no matter how tenderly I fed and cared for them. Grandfather took me aside and explained that the lifespan of an adult butterfly was very short. They were not meant to live forever: their purpose was to flame brilliantly and then fade away. Thus, his art serves as a memory of their beauty, an acknowledgement of nature’s ephemeral splendor.

我爷爷一直有收集蝴蝶标本的习惯,但那是我第一次看到他抓蝴蝶。在亲眼目睹第一只蝴蝶死去之后,我恳求着爷爷让它们活下去,甚至偷偷放走了其中一些。因此,爷爷为了妥协,开始在我陪他外出的日子里带着一个特殊的罐子,一个用来保存活蝴蝶的罐子。但是,无论我如何温柔地喂养和照料,我们捕捉到的蝴蝶总是在圈养几天后变得虚弱然后死亡。祖父把我拉到一边,解释说成年蝴蝶的寿命很短。它们并不是为了长生不老地活着,而是为了绚烂地绽放,然后消逝。因此,他的艺术是对它们美丽的记忆,是对大自然短暂辉煌的认可。

But nothing could stay the same. I moved to America and as the weekly excursions to the mountainside ended, so did our lessons in nature and science. Although six thousand miles away, I would never forget how my grandpa’s wrinkles creased when he smiled or how he always smelled like mountain flowers.

但一切都不可能一成不变。我搬到了美国之后,每周去山边的旅行结束了,我和爷爷的自然与科学课也结束了。虽然相隔六千多公里,但我永远不会忘记爷爷笑起来皱纹皱起的样子,也不会忘记他身上总是散发着山花的香味。

As I grew older and slowly understood how Grandfather lived his life, I began to follow in his footsteps. He protected nature’s beauty from decay with his art, and in the same way, I tried to protect my relationships, my artwork, and my memories. I surrounded myself with the journals we wrote together, but this time I recorded my own accomplishments, hoping to one day show him what I had done. I recorded everything, from the first time I spent a week away from home to the time I received a gold medal at the top of the podium at the California Tae Kwon Do Competition. I filled my new home in America with the photographs from my childhood and began to create art of my own. Instead of catching butterflies like my grandpa, I began experimenting with butterfly wing art as my way of preserving nature’s beauty. Soon my home in America became a replica of my home in China, filled from wall to wall with pictures and memories.

随着年龄的增长,我慢慢理解了爷爷的生活方式,便开始追随他的脚步。他用他的艺术保护着大自然的美,不让它衰败,同样,我也努力保护我的关系、我的艺术品和我的记忆。在我和爷爷一起写的日记上,我开始记录自己的成就,希望有一天能向他展示我所做的事情。我记录了一切,从我第一次离家一周,到我在加利福尼亚跆拳道比赛的领奖台上获得金牌。我用童年的照片填满了美国的新家,并开始了自己的艺术创作。我不再像爷爷那样捕捉蝴蝶,而是开始尝试用蝴蝶翅膀艺术来保护大自然的美丽。很快,我在美国的家就变成了我在中国老家的翻版,满墙都是照片和回忆。

Nine long years passed before I was reunited with him. The robust man who once chased me up the hillside had developed arthritis, and his thick black hair had turned white. The grandfather I saw now was not the one I knew; we had no hobby and no history in common, and he became another adult, distant and unapproachable. With this, I forgot all about the journals and photos that I had kept and wanted to share with him.

漫长的九年过去了,我才与他重逢。那个曾经追着我在山坡上跑的壮汉如今得了关节炎,浓密的黑发也变白了。我现在看到的爷爷,已经不是我认识的那个爷爷了。我们没有共同的爱好,也没有共同的经历。他变成了另一个成年人,遥远而难以接近。就这样,我把自己保存的、想与他分享的日记和照片忘得一干二净。

After weeks of avoidance, I gathered my courage and sat with him once again. This time, I carried a large, leather-bound book with me. “Grandfather,” I began, and held out the first of my many journals. These were my early days in America, chronicled through pictures, art, and neatly-printed English. On the last page was a photograph of me and my grandfather, a net in his hand and a jar in mine. As I saw our faces, shining with proud smiles, I began to remember our days on the mountainside, catching butterflies and halting nature’s eventual decay.

在回避了几个星期之后,我鼓起勇气,再次和他坐在一起。这一次,我带着一本皮面装订的大书。“爷爷!”我开始说,并拿出了我众多日记中的第一本。这是我在美国的早期生活,通过图片、艺术作品和印刷工整的英文记录下来。最后一页是我和祖父的合影:祖父手里拿着一张网,我手里拿着一个罐子。当我看到我们脸上洋溢着自豪的笑容时,我开始回忆起我们在山坡上捕捉蝴蝶、阻止大自然最终衰败的日子。

My grandfather has weakened over the years, but he is still the wise man who raised me and taught me the value of capturing the beauty of life. Although he has grown old, I have grown up. His legs are weak, but his hands are still as gentle as ever. Therefore, this time, it will be different. This time, I will no longer recollect memories, but create new ones.

这些年来,爷爷的身体日渐衰弱,但他仍然是抚养我长大并教会我捕捉生命之美的价值的智者。虽然他老了,但我长大了。他的双腿虽然乏力,但他的双手依然温柔如昔。因此,这一次,将有所不同。这一次,我将不再回忆往事,而是创造新的回忆。

文书评析

顾问点评:“他人影响”类的范文分寸感的把握是关键!

作者通过记述童年与爷爷捕捉蝴蝶的经历,把生命的无常与转瞬即逝的美丽联系在一起,把人生的感悟转化为珍惜和记录生活的动力。整篇文章借关于爷爷的记忆,串联起自己在艺术方面的成就和跆拳道金牌,同时展现出细腻温暖的个性

这篇文书选题应该是“对你影响最大的人”。这类文书分寸感很重要:经典反例就是全篇大部分都在讲别人的事,和自己的关联比较弱,最后喧宾夺主。

这篇文书把两者的平衡掌握的很好:虽然前面用比较长的篇幅以及生动细致的语言来写和爷爷的相处的一段经历,但是这段经历是和后续作者的成长性格有深层的联系的:对自然的热爱、对转瞬即逝的美好的珍惜(这里作者很巧妙的在记录美好瞬间的同时也带过了过去几年的高光时刻)。

当作者时隔多年和爷爷相见之后,那种陌生感其实是很难直面,但又非常真实有力量的:读者自然会被这里的潜在的矛盾和张力吸引住,想要看是如何解决的。

我们都有些难以面对的时刻,这些时候往往会暴露我们脆弱的一面,在文书中没必要回避“脆弱”,它在文章中经常有意想不到的力量。

 

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2023年度哈佛大学的优秀申请文书点评(四)
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